Transitrants March 2012

The bike car on this southbound car smells like a skunk eating garbage was set on fire. #transitrants #caltrain

I usually avoid the bike cars for just that reason but had to hop on inna hurry that morning and holy crap! The funk hit me like a freight train from hell. I know bicyclists work up a lather being so smug about biking everywhere but good grief! Here’s a hint, those deodorant stones are a scam. Get some Right Guard Sport or get off our train!

How can EVERY car on this BART train smell like pee. Are the homeless now peeing into the ventilation system? #transitrants #BART

Every car. Every. Single. Car. I wasn’t the only one that noticed either. There were others wandering the BART questing about like hopeless Lancelots praying for a respite from the stench of their fellow man to no avail.

It’s a late race! Will the EGoRound be later than my late BART?! Let’s find out… #transitrants #BART #emerygoround

The EmeryGoRound won. It’s lateness caused me to miss the BART and by the time I got in all the Specialties morning buns were gone. I almost strangled someone over it and if you think that’s an overreaction you’ve obviously never had one of those morning buns. I will stab you for one of those things with 0 hesitation. None.

I hate the BART station when it rains. It rejuvenates the urine stench like a bacta tank. #transitrants #BART #starwars

I’m fairly certain that George Lucas invented the Bacta Tank in Empire Strikes Back for the sole purpose of that sentence up there. I’m certain of it. 110%.

Across from train stop is MMA training facility. Ever seen a popped collar on a polo shirt with no sleeves? I have. #cantunseeit #caltrain

I simply don’t have the words to describe the sheer douchebaggery dripping off this asshole. Not sure what’s worse, this MMA meat head rocking this look or the fact that it’ll probably work that night and get him laid. I’m sure he was also wearing Sex Panther cologne.

Never underestimate a kids ability to talk constantly about nothing on public transit in the worst voice imaginable. #transitrants

Try to imagine the conversational apathy of Nicole Richey coupled with the nasally drone of an Oreck vacuum set at 72 rpms in a room full of helium and you almost have a vague idea of what happened in my ear holes with this kid’s voice. How a 10 yr old can talk for 20 minutes straight on why he thinks Boots the monkey wears shoes but no pants i’ll never know; all I know is they must be stopped.

Screw that stuffed Pittsburg train. I’m betting on Richmond line to not look like a can of hipster flavored Spam. #transitrants #BART

That train had 3 Fixies, 1 Amish beard on a 20 something and a Pabst Blue Ribbon hoodie. After vomiting in my mouth a little I decided to skip the train altogether on general principles. What? I have principles; just broad and general ones that are nonsensical.

Embarcadero BART station; where escalators and urine funk goes to die. #transitrants #BART

The Barcy station is the most peetastic station on the whole line and that includes the Mission station where I saw a guy drop a deuce off the side of the platform. A man SHAT off the platform and it still didn’t smell as bad as Embarcadero station.

Yes ma’am; that Muni was out of service as a personal affront to you and had nothing to do with the lack of working lights. #transitrants

When a Muni train goes limping by with flickering internal lights while being shadowed by a Muni maintenance truck than maybe it’s refusal to stop to pick you up is due to it not being safe and is probably not because the Muni driver personally dislikes you.

Welcome to MacArthur Bart. No admittance. #transitrants #BART http://ow.ly/i/w9Ir

MacArthur Bart surrounded sketchy on the best day but when you go to the station and it’s basically on prison lock down it gives one pause. I still went into the station to catch my train but I did sprint to it in a serpentine pattern.

Honorable Mention

Where are these kids parents?! Who lets their kid ride their bike around a train platform?! #transitrants #BART

Do I live in the only place in the Bay Area that is inescapable when it rains heavy?! #transitrants

Is there a single, thin, pretty girl that won’t walk to the front of a line with no sign of guilt or shame? #transitrants

Thanx for stabbing my leg and nut sac with your Fixy’s handlebars hipster bitch. #transitrants #BART

Bart 3 minutes late = Missing EmeryGoRound connection = Extra 40 minutes on commute = Rage. #transitrants

Oh good, the lights went out at Bart. This can only be good news… #transitrants #BART

Why does MacArthur Bart bother with announcements? You can’t hear anything over the traffic or hacking on exhaust fumes. #transitrants

Jesus this EmeryGoRound fart is lingering like the wrong name screamed during sex. #transitrants #emerygoround

Let’s play the Guilty Face game wherein I look at my fellow EmeryGoRound passengers and see which guilty face dealt that fart. #transitrants

Empty seat blocked by selfish, uncaring cyclist on a packed Bart train. Yes I said something. #transitrants #BARThttp://ow.ly/i/vqr6

I will try and subdue transit rage with a disco nap. Disco Nap! Engage! #transitrants #caltrain

CalTrain is only 6 minutes late! Let’s all that a victory. #transitrants #caltrain

SF transit never met a schedule it couldn’t screw up. How about if I miss my connection because of your lateness I ride free? #transitrants

Wtf Muni! Every 12 minutes my ass! Thanx 4 fucking up my entire night assholes. #transitrants #muni

Thanx for the interminable delay Bart. Missed the EmeryGoRound by 1min and now get to waste 30 min waiting for the next one. #transitrants

Why the hell is this Bart train not moving?! #transitrants #BART #ihavetopee

Oh good, a train taken outta service at 5:00 on a weekday during GDC. Bart is ooooooooooold and busted. #transitrants #BART

I’m on the Bart surrounded by crazy people and people trying desperately to disregard said crazy. #transitrants #BART

Why is the yacky guy that wants to be part of the talk always behind me. Hope he’s reading over my shoulder & shuts up. #GDC

1000 people on this train and Stinky McGasbag has to sit next to me. You have a sphincter! Use it! #transitrants #caltrain

Oh good, I found the contact high Bart car. What a great way to start the day #transitrants #BART

Why do the guy’s with the bushiest smoke absorbing beards and hair smoke unfiltered cigs and then sit next to me? #transitrants

The old lady smell is strong with this one… #transitrants #BART #eyeswatering

There’s a Bart delay and I can smell waffles yet I do not see waffles. Not fair. #transitrants #BART

I have a nose that can sniff out baked goods like pig to truffles but that day I was denied waffley goodness and it put me in a foul mood all day. I’m not saying I kicked a puppy because I was in such a bad mood; I’m saying I couldn’t find a puppy to kick which just put me in a worse mood. 

Trains are finally running on time and like a dumbass I get off 1 stop short of where I was heading. #transitrants #stupidisasstupiddoes

OK, technically this one was my fault but there was a reason. I was dozing and the BART operator kept saying the words last stop (that’s all I could make out through my Marian Call playlist) and I assumed the next stop would be the last stop. Nope. In my sleepy haze I realized I was at the second to last stop. I turn to get back into the train and the door closes in my face. I look to the right and see the operator’s head peeking out. His head withdraws, laughing I’m sure, and the train speeds off. Maybe I should turn the volume down on my head phones in the future.

All it takes is the Oaklander onboard at Elephant Bar to take this shuttle from peaceful to a nonsense noise factory. #transitrants

Folks, when you board a quiet public shuttle/train/whatever that should not be your signal to open your shitty old flip phone and start screaming into it blathering nonsense about all the stuff you wanted at Bay Street but couldn’t afford because of ‘mah damn kids and they daddies not doing shit to help….” You get the idea. Half the time I think people that board quiet conveyances and start yelling into their phones aren’t actually talking to anyone, they just want to hear their own voice and make sure we’re paying attention to them.

1 bloated, loudmouthed idiot flapping her gums single handedly raised the temp of this Bart car with her hot air by 7degrees. #transitrants

I swear that bitch with the cel phone bitching about her kids fogged up the damn windows! That’s a ton of literal and figurative hot air. Do we measure blowhardiness in BTUs or Calories? I suggest a new unit of measure called a Limbaugh.

Hey dumbass, hold on to your rolling suitcase in a moving shuttle so it doesn’t hit people. You can stop texting for the 15 minute ride.

 The next inconsiderate asshole that lets their luggage roam free range all over the damn shuttle and bounce off our shins like a coked up hockey puck will get my size 10 so far up their ass they’ll be able to taste my laces and sneeze my aglets.

Quit eating on my train! Now we’re all starving!

Seriously. People that bring a whole meal like a burrito/beer and a sandwich/chips and drink into a train should bring enough for the rest of us. It’s one thing to nosh your morning bagel or an energy bar but when you’re 1 candelabra short of a 3 course meal it’s too much and those people never clean up after themselves. It’s bad enough I have to smell your food and get nice and starved but then I have to sit in your trash too! 

No Bart crazies but there is a guy on the EGoRound that looks like a bloated, alcoholic Toby McGuire. #transitrants #egoround

In other words, like Toby McGuire.

Hey dumbasses; what part of ‘Out of Service’ do you not understand?! #transitrants #egoround

When a shuttle rolls past you with an “Out of Service” sign clearly posted how about paying attention and reading the sign instead of screaming like a lunatic after the shuttle. Seriously people, you’re embarrassing yourselves and us by extension.

People that sit on the ground on the Bart should be immediately sterilized for the sake of the gene pool. #transitrants #BART

If you don’t have the sense to get up off the urine soaked, gum strewn BART station floor than you should be denied your reproductive rights for the sake of future generations to come.

Transitrants January 2012

1. “There are no elevators out of service.” Thanks for the non-announcement interrupting my podcast Bart.

Why are we wasting time and effort to announce everything is ok? Why am I yanking out my ear buds in haste to listen to what amounts to nothing? How about making an announcement when things go awry so we’ll actually pay attention to these things instead of spewing a bunch of nothing every 2 minutes?

2.Slow ass passengers are exiting the shuttle like it’s a cruise ship and they’re waiting for their confetti.

Why do passengers exit from shuttles like they’re celebrities waiting for the paparazzi flash bulbs? Is every person living the red carpet dream in their mind as they exit every piece of public transportation? News flash people, Beyonce and JayZ don’t ride the EmeryGoRound!

3. The B.O. levels on this shuttle are reaching critical levels! She canna take much more Cap’n!

Shower. Deodorant.Clean Clothes. Repeat.

4. Is there a single Oaklander that rides the EGoRound that can start a sentence without the word ‘fuckin’?

We can’t all be gangsta rappers and starting every sentence with an f-bomb won’t get you a recording contract…ma’am.

5. The answer to 99% of questions asked the Watergate Express driver is: “No, you want the Powell bus.”

I’m amazed that people can no longer be bothered to spend 9 seconds to decipher a route map and instead waste everyone’s time slowing down the shuttle with questions that could easily be answered by looking at the damn posted map.

6. Don’t you think this train is a little crowded to let your kid dance around like a maniac?!

Stop, just stop letting your kids be little heathen animals in public. It’s not that hard to get your kids to behave. Start with telling; then go to threatening and finally beating if the 1st two don’t work.

7. Quit glaring at me bitch: you’re the one with the giant mop of dreads backing into me.

If you want to have greasy, stinking, filthy dreadlocks that’s your business. But when you bundle these stink ropes together and have them sticking out 2 feet from the back of your head don’t look so surprised every time you back that mess up into someone. You think I intentionally want to bump into that filth while the Bart is in motion?! Sit against the wall and get your hair funk on the Bart wall instead of my glasses.

It seems like the mass transit system hasn’t learned much from their disastrous 2011 and the riders even less so. I’ll be documenting the inane hijinks I see on my daily commutes from the East Bay/Mid-Peninsula to San Francisco.

Follow these microrants in real time by following me on twitter @GeekGamerGuy and look for the hashtag #transitrants.

#transitrants insider guide
BART: Bay Area Rapid Transit. A commuter train that runs from the deep east bay (Fremont, Oakland, Dublin) west through San Francisco and down the western Peninsula towards the airport. Old, expensive, smelly…home.

EGORound: Short for EmeryGoRound. The EmeryGoRound is a free shuttle that takes riders throughout Emeryville. I use it to get to the MacArthur BART station; hoodrats in Oakland use it to go terrorize yuppies at Bay Street.

CalTrain: A train used by commuters to go from the south bay (San Jose) and go up to San Francisco and everywhere in between. Rickety, loud and full of failed comedians as conductors.